Looking back it feels as if I failed and for that I am ever so sorry, I should have payed more attention to your needs and been more pushing in getting you to a doctor.
Your last day will forever be imprinted in my memory. I still can´t do a thing when it comes to this day. It´s the same every month, around this day every month I get depressed and can barely stay awake for a whole 3 days. My mind must be judging me. What I could have done differently to ease your pain. I did not notice you having any pain though. You walked perfectly and didn´t limp. Sure your joints seemed to give out a bit sometimes but you took it easy, recovered from your lose of control and got back up.
Your eyes were crystal clear and didn´t show a hint of pain. Those wise beyond the years eyes calmly looking at the world and understanding your place in life. I really liked those calm wise brown eyes of yours, they always calmed me down and made me understand that even if life sucks you can easily get trough it if you just make up your mind about it.
Writing this hurts. I still see you running around in the house sometimes, hallucinating about a lost one is a bad sign I think. But it´s only been one year and with the kind of relationship we had I guess it´s only to be expected. I still wake up at night crying remembering the feeling of touching you. It always calmed me down when we lied down in the sofa cuddling.
Your nephew is still going strong and he started changing into the splitting image of you. Increasing the pain for me but without him I don´t think I would have been able to go on. I would have been deep down in depression not wanting to do anything at all. He himself has also grown into a fine older dog now. He´s eight years old, turning nine this year and he has done an amazing job keeping me stable. But even if he wants to cuddle he still isn´t you and whenever we do cuddle it feels as if something is missing.
I blame myself for not taking more images of you when you were younger. Your old self is gracious to look at but still not to many photos taken. I blame myself and the delay on the camera we had before mobile phones got equipped with a good camera. I have images of you, even some videos of the two of you playing and giving each other a mouthful.
Laughter, tears, anger, happiness are all part of me now but they are not as strong as before. I rarely laugh nowadays since someone is missing. I cry more often than not, I cannot listen to certain music and viewing sad scenes is a big no no. Since everything comes back to reminding me of you. My dearly beloved friend.
It´s strange, saying that you “love” someone is supposed to be hard. But without any hardships or anything I can gladly say I loved you when you were alive and I still love you even today my dear friend.
I miss you. I miss you every day and I will continue to miss you for a large amount of my life. Something drastic has to happen for me to forget you and for me to stop missing you. It took me one whole year to be able to write this and it still feels as if it all happend yesterday. I´m still sad and I miss you.
May you forever be at peace my dearly beloved.
RIP Thilwhils Allie
Day of death: 13-05-28